Weblog Entry - 02/01/2002: "escape hatches"

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02/01/2002 Entry: "escape hatches"

Someone e-mailed me to inquire about the apparent relish I feel at the prospect of a Xander/Anya rift -- a mild inquiry, with undertones of "Gee, Kat, you really like to see relationships fall apart, don't you?"

And...uh...not always, but more often than not...yeah, guilty as charged. Some time back I posted something to a list about how I tend to see every relationship, no matter how happy, as having within it certain small hairline cracks, perhaps almost invisible, but there. And how part of what drives me as a writer is the desire to apply just the right tap--perfectly aimed, no more forceful than necessary--to those cracks, and watch things fall apart, cleanly and perfectly.

But beyond that, in this particular relationship -- well, I seldom remember my dreams, even as soon as I awaken, and I almost never recall them long-term, but I've always remembered two dreams I had, recurrently, in my youth. In one I suddenly found myself walking up the aisle, in a church, about to get married to somebody I either didn't know, or knew and disliked; in the other, I found myself nine months pregnant and about to give birth to a child I absolutely didn't want. In both cases the overwhelming emotional motif was sheer panic, an animal in a trap, no way out. Probably my deepest nightmare is to find myself committed to a situation, a person, a set of responsibilities and entanglements, from which no escape is possible.

So it's really easy for me to read a lot of what Xander's doing and saying as coming out of the same fear. (I mean, this is an ex-Vengeance Demon he's dealing with here. It's hard to just sit her down and say, "Honey, I've been thinking, maybe we should see other people, whattaya think?") It's really easy for me to see him as feeling trapped, not just by fear of consequences but also by his own self-image, his fear of not living up to the kind of person he'd like to be. And I just want to smuggle him in a cake with a file baked in it.

And of course the whole thing is just me projecting my own neuroses onto media characters, but hey, what's fandom for, after all? ;-)

Replies: 7 comments

Honestly, my sympathies are with Anya. Xander didn't have to propose to her. He had plenty of opportunities to end the engagement. He knew very well what she was before getting involved with her.
He's been taking her affection for granted, never stood up for her to his friends, on the contrary, the number of times he flinched because of her comments, or put her down verbally, have made ME flinch. It's bordering on emotional abuse. Meanwhile, Anya put up with over a year in the basement, the joy of being constantly snipped at by Willow for more than two years, and being belittled even when really trying to connect. (Witness Xander's "Anya, ever the wordsmith" in "The Body".) Yes, somebody deserves an escape and a break. But it's not Xander. It's Anya.

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