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05/04/2002 Entry: ""
Back again. Car did not break down, though it kept me on edge by making a funny noise all the way, as if a metal box half-full of pins was strapped to the right front fender. Other than that, the drive was very pleasant; though spring is well launched down here (and I love this particular moment, when the leaves have started to break out but the elegant branchy architecture of the trees is still visible, looking as if they'd been lightly airbrushed with green), up northwest it's still in that monochrome suspension between winter and spring, the only colors the faded dun of last year's dead vegetation, and the intense blue of the prairie sky. Lovely, in a stark austere sort of way.
The conference had its moments of interest; it was themed around the issues facing tribal colleges, and of Indian students in mainstream colleges. Thursday night we were invited to a powwow, with numerous drummers, singers, and dancers from local communities, most of whom seemed to be either related to each other or friends of long standing. Watching them, and pondering speeches from earlier in the day, with their emphasis on connection, community, tradition, family, the interrelatedness of all things, I found myself wondering what it would be like to live in that world, to live as someone for whom such things aren't just abstracted goals or nostalgic ideals but are simply baseline reality, as inarguable and fundamental as air and water. My own baseline reality is individuation, separation, autonomy, the freedom that comes from cutting ties; that's who and what I am, and I wouldn't really change it even if I could, but I get a little wistful sometimes looking at people who seem to live unquestioningly in connection. At one point in the evening, those of us in the audience were urged to come out onto the floor and join in the dance; it was a gracious offer, but I declined, feeling it would be hypocritical of me to pretend that I really had any business being out there.
Someday I really do want to write a story about Fraser's relationship with native people; I imagine that for him there's a lot of the same tension--the sense of alienness, the yearning to belong, the awareness of its impossibility.
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