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Friday, February 7, 2003

Thirteen below zero this morning, with no significant warmup in sight for at least a week. War seems to be inevitable, decided upon, the only question when and how bad. The economy continues to tank. The governor is going to announce major, painful cuts to local programs and services this morning, and there'll be worse cuts to come (which could certainly include my job). Many people on my LJ friends list seem to be struggling with hard times, hurtful situations, discouragement, gloom.

Times like these, I take a deep breath and draw on one of the few unfailing, unarguable, solid-gold pieces of life wisdom I've gleaned from the past half-century -- everything changes. The pendulum swings, the wheel turns. That which is good shall someday turn to crap, and that which currently seems about as bad as it can get has, by the same token, plenty of opportunities to improve.

Or, you know, not. *g* But I'm not thinking in that direction just now, simply keeping focused on things will change, and at least some of them will probably improve, as I get ready to put on my boots and coat and scarf and mittens and head out into the thirteen below.

Posted @ 11:16 AM CST [Link]2 comments

Tuesday, February 4, 2003

So, back from the adventure. Quick summary of the whole job interview experience: meh.

I dunno. It's not that it went badly, just that -- well, interviewing is like flirting, when it goes well there's a zizz and a crackle and a pleasant tingly sense of potentiality and intrigue, and when that doesn't happen, it's just...flat. I was giving it my all, I was working it, but I didn't feel like I was striking any sparks, and I didn't feel any great spark back.

There was one question I know I flat-out blew, the dreaded "Tell us what you know about theories of student development and how you use them in your work." What I didn't actually say was, "Well, I learned enough about theories of student development in grad school to get through my prelims, but I found them mostly tedious and irrelevant, and five years in the field has only strengthened that opinion." OK, I didn't quite say that, but I'm afeared that that's what came across, and the person asking that particular question was one of the faculty, who didn't look well-pleased by my response. Lost a vote there, eh.

I mean, I think I did reasonably well overall; the woman who walked me back to my car said I'd done a fine job and was impressive, but she also said they're interviewing eight candidates altogether (ack) and that it's a "very strong" pool.

So if I had to bet, I'd bet it's a no-go, and on the whole I'm OK with that. While I was charmed by many aspects of the place, I kept having a hard time actually visualizing myself there. It felt kind of like a blind date where you've really sold yourself on how wonderful this new person is, and how this is going to be a great thing, and then when you finally get together, there's just no chemistry. I'm really glad I went and reality-tested the situation; I'm very much at peace now about the whole thing.

And I'm very glad I got to visit Seattle, albeit briefly; L. was a great hostess, and I had a lovely visit with some of my favorite fannish people, although I was so whomped with fatigue that I just couldn't be as convivial as I'd have liked.

A nice thing -- on the trip back, flying across the northern tier of states in the middle of the night, I looked out my window, across Canada, and saw this misty shimmery glow of light above the horizon, like a huge fogbank illuminated from within. I couldn't figure out what it was for a while, but finally I realized I was looking at the northern lights. I watched them for almost an hour, as I drifted in and out of sleep, seeing them form into brilliant little needles of light that arced up out of the glow, and then dissolving and reforming.

Apart from that, though, may I just ask god to strike me dead with big jaggedy boulders falling from the sky if I ever again in this life propose taking a red-eye flight. I am comatose with fatigue today, and aching all over. I owe e-mail to everyone (Laura, Des, Aral, I'll get back to you soon, promise!), but I think all I'm good for tonight is (a) watching Buffy and (b) falling into bed, with a thud.

Posted @ 09:35 PM CST [Link]2 comments

Sunday, February 2, 2003

It's weird; I've been in crazed-overdrive mode for the past day or two, getting ready to fly out west, being wholly self-absorbed with My Incredibly Fascinating and So-Stressful Life Situation. Then today there was the irruption of the shuttle disaster, and I was listening to the TV news off and on all day, while I did laundry and cleaned house and packed/unpacked/repacked my suitcase.

So I've been thinking about this today; I'm grieved, of course, as we all are, at the deaths, these seven lives cut short so early. But then I think that there are worse fates than to die while pursuing one's dream. I'm sure each of those people would have wanted to come home safe, hug their families, take a breath of fresh air, eat real food, climb into bed tonight with whomever they loved. But given that we all have to die someday ... well, I keep thinking that if you choose to chase a dream, one that involves risk and danger, you accept that safety and comfort and The Sure Thing are not at the top of your priority list. I honor those who make such choices, and who accept the price of the ticket on that ride.

Any time I travel, I tend to anticipate disaster -- the airplane going down in a ball of fire, the skid and crash on a rain-wet unfamiliar highway. The night before I leave, I tend to do a quick check-over of my life--am I OK? Have I left loose ends? There are *always* loose ends, of course, god knows, a whole tangle of them. But I've found myself tonight e-mailing to a few people I care about, just letting them know how much they mean to me. Not enough, of course, never enough. But it's good to be reminded that disaster could come for any of us, any time, and to make some attempt to conduct one's life accordingly. I've been very deeply moved this past week by people who rallied around when I was feeling psycho, and who've let me know they're thinking of me and wishing me well. I don't give enough back; I could never give enough back for all that people give me. Life is fragile, and it never hurts to let someone know I love you; you make me laugh; you make my world a better and cooler place. Thanks.

So, even if I haven't reached you personally, consider that this message is for you . Going dark now, back on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Posted @ 12:50 AM CST [Link]2 comments