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Friday, February 28, 2003

I feel like a jerk for not replying to the kind and encouraging comments to my previous posting, but--um. This is a cheap excuse, but the Wellbutrin is doing something quite odd to my brain, unlike any antidepressant I've been on before. While I'm still having total success with the not-smoking, my mood is all over the place, and I simply cannot get focused and quiet enough inwardly to do anything. Feeling edgy, restless, and irritable -- it's like the psychological equivalent of having a bad rash, or clothes that don't fit right, or having a staticky transistor radio not quite tuned in to a station that's playing heavy metal all the time, very loudly, right in one's ear when one's trying to think.

And then there's The Rage, which is on a very fragile tether and comes roaring to life at unpredictable intervals. Yesterday evening I had two bags of groceries I was trying to get out of the car, while standing in the slush, and my purse kept slipping off my shoulder and banging against things, and then one of the handles on one of the grocery bags tore loose, and I had to SLAM! THE CAR DOOR! OVER AND OVER! HARD! at least a half-dozen times, because otherwise I'd have started screaming, and maybe killing people. I *really* should get back into kickboxing, because I want to hit things, very hard; just thinking about it makes my muscles quiver with anticipation. (I should also probably talk to the doctor about dosages, and how soon I can taper off this stuff.) (And of course it might not be the meds at all, or not entirely, but rather detoxing from nicotine.)

God, this is the most boring update in the history of boringness, isn't it? I'll be back, and (I trust) more interesting, as soon as I've got my brain whacked back into shape.

Posted @ 12:34 PM CST [Link]4 comments

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Yeah, yeah, I need to write up con notes, but I can't seem to get my brain focused. I'm attributing a lot of my edginess and crankiness to job issues, which are continuing to cause me a good deal of stress; but I think another factor could be the 44-hours-now-and-counting without a cigarette.

It'd odd; edginess/crankiness notwithstanding, this is going much more easily than I'd anticipated. I'm not having any of the typical physical withdrawal symptoms, and I don't really crave cigarettes as such--I don't miss the smoke. I miss the smoking, the activity, the ritual, the break. I keep having this vague feeling like something's missing, as I move through the day, some reward I ought to be getting.

But that's it, really. I am completely sold on Zyban/Wellbutrin as the way to go about quitting; it seems to completely short-circuit the craving, and the compulsivity of the behavior pattern. When I feel itchy about wanting to go smoke, I stop and think, "Do I really want a cigarette?" -- and I realize I don't, not really, not at all. This is different from any of my attempts to quit in the past by dint of sheer laborious muscle-straining willpower; this feels effortless.

So I think this round of quitting is going to stick, which is a great relief, and my blood pressure has already started to edge down. Next step is getting back to the gym on a regular basis, which sounds much more appealing now that my lungs are starting to unclog.

Posted @ 03:06 PM CST [Link]5 comments

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Home. *Exhausted.* It was in the 60s when I flew out of L.A. this morning; it is forecast to be the one of the coldest nights of the winter here in Minneapolis, maybe fifteen below. I had 217 e-mails to go through (not counting the work account), and my LJ friends list was at skip=480. I am sleep-deprived; I have no food in the house; my cat is furious with me.

Also, about three hours ago I finished the last cigarette from the pack I bought in Oxnard, and since I am now officially launching the no-more-smoking thing, I keep gently setting aside the habitual impulse of "Hey! Let's just run down to the gas station and get some cigs!" (The weather actually helps; it's too damn cold to just run down to the gas station.) I'm a little twitchy, but nothing worse than that so far.

Con report (of sorts) coming soon, but for now I'm just going to collapse into bed.

Posted @ 12:10 AM CST [Link]2 comments