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Tuesday, March 4, 2003

Life's roller-coaster continues. This morning I sat through a staff meeting about the impending policy changes that convinced me, finally, once and for all, that I have to get out of this job whether or not I have something else lined up, that I'm simply not willing to work under the new regime. Then I went back to my office, seething and panicky, stomach churning--and there was an e-mail from Job Prospect #2, saying they want to interview me. Which is good, yes. But at the same time it means re-opening the whole subject of relocation with P., which went so extremely badly last time. I think that once Job Prospect #1 fizzled, he relaxed, thinking that we were now safely back to the status quo, so this is going to cause him a lot of pain all over again. Reprise seething panicky stomach-churning.

The fact is, though, that there simply aren't any openings in my field in this town right now, nor are there likely to be in the foreseeable future. Since staying on in my current job isn't an option, I can (a) look for a comparable job elsewhere, or (b) quit this job, stay here, and do temp work or something for a while. Which isn't something I can really afford to do just now (though to be honest, it has its appeal).

Breathing deeply. Even though I'm so tense I feel like you could bounce quarters off my freakin' aura, I haven't gone back on the cigs, which is at least something.

Posted @ 08:03 PM CST [Link]4 comments

Monday, March 3, 2003

Well, I got the formal turn-down on the job I'd interviewed for, which is what I expected. On the other hand, the *other* job I'd applied for months ago is finally showing some movement, though I must say they're doing the strangest hiring process I've ever encountered: over the past week, they've phoned and conducted lengthy conversations with two of my references (conversations which have apparently gone very well), but they have said absolutely nothing whatsoever to me. No "Hey, we'd like to interview you sometime!", zip, nada, zilch. I am a bit befuddled.

As I am about many things in life lately. The Wellbutrin hyper-reactivity has eased off a good deal, but I'm left feeling thick and slow. Writing is incredibly laborious, like building a wall with cement blocks, and about that inspired and inspiring. Work situations are continuing to make me angry, and they're not of a fixable nature; I either have to swallow some stuff that sits very badly with me, or spit it out and walk away. And what really angers me is that at any time in the past, I'd have gone for the latter course without hesitation; I've always lived by the precept that if I feel a job is screwing with my core values, I walk, no question, no hesitation. I *hate* the fact that I'm feeling old enough now that I pause, and ponder, and start contemplating sensible prudent courses of action, and thinking about the bad economy and the difficulties of starting over in one's fifties, and the importance of having health insurance, and all that.

So I feel set against myself, and thwarted and sour. And I need to get the hell over that. The universe is not cooperating with my every wish? How dare it? I have to cope with reality? That's a fucking outrage! Heh. The truth is I am preposterously lucky in my life, my freedom, my choices, the possibilities available to me; in the comfort and security of my existence; and of course in my friends.

And now I'm going to the gym, to attack the weight machines with some ferocity. Ahh, the bliss of sore muscles...

Posted @ 11:00 PM CST [Link]2 comments